NEKROGOBLIKON’s John Goblikon has an announcement for the fantasy tribes of Europe, a warning shot to troll poseurs, pirate imposters, ghouls, elves, gnolls, orcs, hobbits and gollums:
“The goblins of the U S of A are invading, and a challenge is issued: let there be much music-making, quenching of thirst and jousting of wenches.
To the so-called “troll” bands of Europe:
You took the throne from us. And now we want it back. The eggs are broken, and there’s no repairing them now. You’re in over your head. Here’s a little fact about thrones you might not know:
All thrones belong to John Goblikon.
Maybe you’ve heard of him. He’s an internet celebrity. A cunning warrior. An insurance salesman. The quintessential All-American goblin. That’s four thrones already. Oh, and he’s the nefarious acquaintance of Nekrogoblikon. Nekro-WHO-blikon?!
Nekrogoblikon. You know the rest, I’m sure. You probably just misheard me the first time.”
John Goblikon hereby summons all trolls, pirates, elves, witches, orcs, gnolls, etc. to challenge you to a series of feats:
“Mortiis, I challenge you to a game of Connect 4, because you don’t look good at math. You remind me of myself, but with fewer friends.
Finntroll, let me remind you in case you forgot: GOBLINS ARE BETTER THAN TROLLS. I’ve already won whatever I was about to challenge you to.
Alestorm, I challenge you to a game of “kill the pirate,” also known as arm-wrestling. We shall see which scoundrel is stronger, goblin or pirate (clue: it’s not the pirate).
Troll – a band called Troll but who aren’t actually trolls? What is this impostery? I challenge you to drink. Only trolls could come close to keeping up with a goblin.
Trollfest – *see Finntroll
Children of Bodom – I don’t know what kind of creature a “bodom” is, but it sounds wimpy. I challenge you to a game of checkers. I love checkers.”
You heard the goblin. You’re toast.”
NEKROGOBLIKON are seizing Europe in February as part of the Kerrang! Tour 2014 with Crossfaith, Baby Godzilla and Limp Bizkit.
08 Cardiff Uni Great Hall
09 Liverpool O2 Academy
11 Dublin Olympia
12 Bristol O2 Academy
13 Birmingham O2 Academy
15 Newcastle O2 Academy
16 Glasgow O2 Academy
17 Manchester Academy
19 Norwich The Nick Rayns LCR, UEA
20 Southampton Guildhall
21 London O2 Academy Brixton
